driving home from work
and i'm tired
so so tired
my heart is heavy and i feel like i've been crying for hours.
it was only five minutes.

but the headlights,
hundreds of them blinding me,
are each holding a person with feelings,
stories,
lives,
i knowing nothing about.

how small am i?
who am i to think i am so important?
when my life is only a grain of sand in this vast sea
of headlights
shining back at me.

(sometimes it overwhelms me just how many people i pass and all the stories i will never know. but guys, to JESUS, i am so much more than a headlight. and so are you. )

stolen tears

"you don't have to feel guilty, it's just a natural part of life, what you did."
but i did feel guilty,
i do feel guilty.
because everywhere you read about the heartbroken girls, spirits crushed by cruel boys.
but then, what does that make me?
i am not heartbroken. i am not cruel. i'm just a little lost.
is that okay?

"no" a voice whispers.
because you saw his face as tears poured down your cheeks.
shedding tears as if he should understand. as if he should pity you.
but he walked away from the scene of the crime, tears stollen from him.
those tears should've been his.

and the guilt comes flooding back.
because maybe i am cruel.
after all, stealing tears and making them my own,
using them against the wronged,
is there a worser crime?

(a poem for all the girls who've been there too. because sometimes it's not the boys who are the heartbreakers. sometimes people don't mean to be cruel. sometimes those tears are genuine.)

what now

what happens
when there's nothing
left
of myself to give

but they're alone

so alone

i can hear them calling

calling out

what if i can't 

answer their call

because no one 

ever answered it for me

but their arms

they're reaching out

trying to hold on

just hold on

what if i can't

hold on to them

much longer

because i'm so weak

so tired

but they're falling

falling

i can hear their cries

their sobs

what if i'm falling 

right along side them

what if i too

am choking on my tears

but

what now

we ask

what now

(bc. you're not responsible for others, all you can do is love them with the love Christ Jesus has given you. and other's aren't responsible for you, sometimes you have to learn to fall and get back up)

i don't know

what if
you don't know what to do?

you know,
everyone else has this idea for your life
and they tell you just how perfect,
how great,
how exciting it is.
but what about what you want?
what you think?

what if you don't know what you want?
what you think?
you just know it's not what everyone else is telling you
what now,
what to do?

i don't know guys,
i don't know.

so i wait

stories
inside my soul
but
one is darker than the other.
i hold onto them
afraid to let them go
what if they don't understand?
what if they can't see the light inside of me?
so i wait
too petrified to say anything
so i wait
and prepare for on to consume the other
so i wait
to see if the light stays
or if the darkness overtakes me

your timing vs my timing

you say to wait on you
to be patient
but you see
why can't it be now that works better
no?

i know you know best
but
i know pretty well
so why not listen to what i want
it's just as good
no?

but they're so cute
and well sure i'm young
but
please
can't you see
it's what i want
it's what i need
no?

i know you see
the greater picture
but i see only now
so please
just give me a taste
sure i don't know best
but i know
no?

ok yes
go ahead
my life is is your hands
not mine
i know this
i do
sometime i'm lonely
but you
you are enough
so i'll wait until you say go
i'll trust in your timing
not mine

the emptiness that haunts me

i don't write

for i have no words

my pen is dry

and my wrist aches

yet still my page is

empty

      empty

            empty

these words

scream

pound

fight

to get out

but still

there's nothing

empty

      empty

            empty

so what can i do

but stare

drowning in my thoughts

unable to release them

unable to breath

without them

empty

      empty

            empty

these words haunt me

suffocate me

consume me

until i'm no more

than the emptiness

that forever follows me

empty 

      empty

            empty

has this become

the song of my heart

or

do i just have to wait

a little bit longer

for my words

to appear

once more

rescue us

it's easy
to want to be rescued
and to think
people
can do just that
we throw our burdens
on them
we lay out our hearts
and we give them
our deepest darkest secrets

rescue me
we whisper
make me feel whole
make me feel special
make me feel forgiven
rescue me

but these people
they're just like you and i
with heavy burdens
hurting hearts
painful secrets
they too are whispering
rescue me

who will save us
now?

you're dreaming

you know when you dream
everything seems so real
and when you wake
it's like
you're dreaming

that's what it felt like
when your hand touched mine
when your warmth held my icy fingers
my heart whispered
"this is right"

you said my name
you told me stories
you laughed
oh how i missed my daddy's
laugh

we talked
till the sun set
and we walked
in the moonlight
fingers intertwined
protected from the world
your eyes reflected the light
of the stars
as they twinkled above us

you kissed me on the cheek
and whispered
"i have to go"
so we held on tight
and i took one last breath
memorizing your scent
and remembering your voice

i woke
tears clung to my dazed eyes
i could still feel your gaze
i cried

this doesn't feel right